I Finally Hit My Bottom and Found OA
I came into OA 4 years ago, at the age of 23. So many have said to me, "it's so wonderful you came in so early—with so much of life ahead of you." I agree, but the truth for me is that I couldn't continue to compulsively eat any longer, and today need far more of the emotional and relational maturity I see in members of the program.
I can see patterns of an odd relationship with food from as far back as I can remember. I began to need a drug. In high school, I started the body obsession and incredible self-consciousness, and being able to restrict and exercise gave me a sense of power. I lost my period at 16 (another benefit). I became increasingly fat-phobic, avoiding foods with any fat content, and looking down with a sense of superiority on those with "less control" who ate those things, and, though I probably didn't show it because I needed the approval of all, abhorred anyone overweight.
These patterns got worse into college, but hey, I only gained 10 of the freshman 15, so I could still be fueled by pride, and continued to beat myself into maintaining shape. But I was losing my control. I began to need greater quantities of food, even if it was just cereal and salad all day. I couldn't see how much I was eating because I could justify it as healthy. So I not only couldn't keep my weight stable anymore, but became unable to stop gaining. I reached my highest weight senior year, just about 10 lbs above the top of a healthy range given to me by a nutritionist which is 20 lbs more than I am today.
It was the realization that my mind was constantly on food that finally showed me there was something really abnormal. This was beyond the self-consciousness and health-consciousness typical of young women. My mind was constantly on what I would eat, how much of it I would eat, what I did eat, what I should have eaten, what I shouldn't have eaten, what you were eating, and of course on how I felt I looked that day—fat or thin, despicable or acceptable. Still, I fought myself on my own for over two years after I graduated. I experienced increased frequency of binging, restricting, obsessive exercise, and discomfort in my own body and feelings of self-hate that I didn't know how to voice at the time.
Every morning for those two years was the same routine. I would wake up and ask myself if I was good or bad the night before to determine my feelings toward myself for the day. The nights of control were quickly vanishing to the nights of binging. And so I awoke "bad" nearly every day in self-hate, wanting to curl up and hide from the world, driven to not do the same today with food. I used the scale as the same sort of gauge of my worth, weighing as many times in a day as I could get away with without my parents noticing.
Finally, in 2006 I was exhausted from the constant battle. One particular event comes to mind as a "bottom" in which I was forced to face the fact of my inability to control my eating. I was the maid of honor for my sister, and two nights before the wedding we hung out together at her place for the night. As she got ready for bed, I went into her cupboards to sneak food although I was in such fear that I wouldn't fit into my dress. I was horrified that my fear and shame didn't stop me. In addition I was stealing from my sister who I adore, but I could not stop myself.
So I got into OA with a therapist's recommendation. My journey in recovery has been the most amazing, transformational thing on every level beyond the weight and body obsession. It has given me connection to life. I can't say enough about the gifts of the program I've received already in just four years. Others with even more recovery show me I'm in life. I've found physical freedom and love for my body, connection with myself, others, and God. I could fill pages and pages to explain (and I love to talk about it!).
I moved out of my parents' when I was one year abstinent. I was terrified to be in my own place alone with food. Once I moved though, I found it to be so peaceful to eat my meals alone! I relied on support and encouragement from OA friends to give me the confidence. When I was two years abstinent, I got married. I had done the work with my sponsor to come to adore my body, a gift I never thought possible. I had to do work to begin to embrace sexuality.
The food continued to clean up as I became increasingly connected with myself. As I became aware that food behaviors were harming me, I could no longer engage in them. Around the time I finished my major amends, I felt the obsession was lifted a majority of the time. It had been gradual, but I suddenly realized I wasn't white-knuckling to get from meal to meal. More and more, it's become that I take actions because they are life-giving rather than fearing and acting out of the desperation of pain.
Today, my husband and I are preparing to move overseas to Bangkok, Thailand to pursue a life that I feel is an extension of who I'm becoming through the program. I had the courage to leave my stable job, and am facing the losses of all the goodbyes to family and friends and all that is known for me. It's not about trying to achieve to "earn my worth" anymore, it's simply moving toward what I feel drawn toward because I know I will be provided for, and do not have to know today precisely how and from where that provision will come. Sure, I'm afraid to leave the strength of my home meetings and face-to-face fellowship but I can do the work to maintain connection and am committed to seeking out the resources I need there. My actions aren't limited by fear today, and instead reflect my commitment to pursuing a life of joy. Overeaters Anonymous has been far more than a program I've worked for recovery from addiction. It's my connection to life, and that's something I won't ever give up.
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