The Steps Work (Even For An Athiest!)
I grew up in Northern Minnesota in a relatively functional family. I remember that my mom was always on diets eating nothing or only a green apple and cottage cheese at dinner. I didn't have any negative feelings about my body, and I enjoyed sports and running around until I reached the age of 10. I had put on some weight at a summer camp that had a free-flowing ice cream machine and though I don't remember any comments on it, there was considerable pressure in my family on appearance.
My sister started having problems with mild drug use in junior high, and I was pressured to continue in competitive classical violin training. My sister and I were expected to look good by my mother.
At the same time, I began developing symptoms of depression and OCD and when I was 11 years old. I was repeatedly molested and teased by my older sister with titty twisters, being tied to my bed, or held down so that she could pick at my pimples. I was unable to sleep at night and had regular thoughts of suicide but only made one half-hearted dramatic attempt with a bottle of Tums.
I got a hold of a diet book of my mom's, and I related to the author's story of being out of control with food and resolved to lose weight with his diet. I lost weight in 5th grade and felt proud when the school lunch lady asked how I lost the weight. I was successful at something my mom couldn't even do! Thus began a pattern of restriction and starving, followed by after school and weekend binging. When I binged, it was like I could finally relax from all the negative thoughts and fears in my head and the isolation with TV or a book meant that no one would bother me. As long as I kept up appearances, my parents didn't seem to mind that I ate whole gallons of ice cream and said later that they thought it was a passing phase, which it might have been for some kids, but I got progressively worse. I went to counseling a number of times, but I never told them about my eating and (added) exercise habits, or the OCD symptoms. I often prayed to God for help, but none seemed to come as far as I could tell. I heard about OA in passing from my Dad who attended ACA when I got into high school, but it didn't register as something for me.
As the binging, requisite starving, and hours of exercise needed to maintain the same weigh progressed, I began missing school and sleeping through classes. In retrospect friends in high school said that they all knew I had an eating disorder due to my weight fluctuations and never eating with other people. They were too scared to say anything and because I was still able to function and participate in student council. I procrastinated on responsibilities and half-assed prom at the last minute. In track, volleyball and cheerleading, I was so exhausted from my binge/exercise cycle that I was barely conscious of activities when I got there. I went to prom one year so exhausted from exercising the whole day and night before in order to fit in the dress. I left my date early after the dance started and went home after pictures were taken. He thought I hated him, but I was just exhausted! I had a few episodes of freedom when I fell in love my senior year. Also at that time, I attended a Dale Carnegie training course with my dad on how to "win friends" and managed to be voted Prom Queen despite my abrupt personality change and newfound social skills. As the pheromones faded away and I got ready for college, and all the dark panic, fear, anxiety and food came back.
My first year of college was a place I chose in a panic. It was on the east coast and they accepted early admission and I was miserable. My slick 1930's style social skills didn't work on anyone in Maine and thought I sill had my boyfriend. I started to feel more and more afraid and depressed desperately hoping I wouldn't start the binging again, but I eventually did and the pictures from Christmas break show me 20 pounds heavier. I was smiling in those pictures with my accepting boyfriend from back home who never said anything about it. My managing to control my weight went to the extreme by jogging at night over ice surfaces, eating all my roommate's food, and holding down three jobs to appear like I was fine (appearances were important!) I stole roommate's food and clothing, cheated on my high school sweetheart and fell deeper and deeper into hopelessness. I broke up with my boyfriend and went to see a college therapist. I again didn't mention the bulimia or the OCD and trudged on. I felt afraid that I was going crazy and that I'd have to move in with my parents and become dependent on them. Every day I felt the same old pressure to lose weight followed by binging and then starting over with restriction again. I felt like life was not worth all of this.
On spring break of my sophomore year, I was supposed to volunteer as a rape crisis line counselor, but bailed without notice and spent the week alone in my dorm room binging non-stop. I wasn't able or willing to exercise it off. I got on my knees and asked God to kill me. I couldn't do it myself, but I wanted to die. Then, for some reason, I saw on the floor a magazine I had read and I forgot there was a story of a vomiting bulimic girl who had stopped binging and purging. At the end of the article, they listed a suicide hotline. I called and they gave me the number for OA. I don't know why or how but I didn't binge or purge from that day on. It was a month before I got to a meeting and in the meantime, got the stomach flu and lost the extra weight. Since then, 20 years later (I was 19) I've been free from those behaviors. I've been to meetings on Australia and Scotland.
I work in a very high-pressure creative field of my dreams and have stayed at the same weight (within 5-7 pounds).
I've worked the steps several times and now belong to a few more programs. It hasn't been perfect! I attended an outpatient treatment program at 21 to learn how to eat and accept my body. 20 years in, I've begun to have a real problem with caffeine and am working the steps with that issue. The obsession with my body has gotten stronger the past few years as I have aged and the program continues to provide support. I've recently needed to ask for outside help with body image problems.
Regarding a higher power, I came into program an atheist willing to follow instructions. I'm sad to say, I still feel more of an atheist than a believer, but I do know I'm not the highest power, and I do believe in the higher power of others, nature and healing.
I keep coming back for the support, the transformation, the hope, and the community I belong because I say I belong and I definitely take what I want and leave the rest. I'm extremely grateful for the incredible life I've had so far and look forward to becoming more and more myself, whoever that is, and meeting others along the road. The steps work (even for an atheist!). I wish you all the best.
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